Hello my wonderful readers, I have some news, I’ve moved. I’ve started a new blog, about a new lifestyle (that i’m very excited for). My new blog is http://www.paleyo.blogspot.com. Please visit me, read, comment and enjoy what I have to say there, instead of here from now on. Thank you for all of your comments and messages over the past year or so, it’s been quite the ride.
Would you believe me if I told you that up until last year, I had never eaten a donut? Well, it’s true. Now these sugary little suckers are my kryptonite. Specifically, vanilla frosted with rainbow sprinkles. It seems like 4:00 p.m. is the witching hour. The early afternoon is when I really start to crave the sugar. The cravings are sort of all consuming, especially when I don’t distract myself.
I just snuck out on an “errand” and devoured two of these sugar devils without even thinking. I let the craving guide me, blind me. Now, i’m back to day one. Do I regret the binge? Of course. BUT, I’m not going to let it continue. The behavior stops here and now, and my goal is to stay strong and finally get rid of this sugar handicap.
The LARABAR: completely simple, totally healthy and entirely delicious. These little bars of joy have under ten ingredients and are oozing with love. I’m an especially huge fan of the Pecan Pie, Cappucino and Carrot Cake.
The Pecan Pie’s ingredients: dates, pecans and almonds. Simple, right? Right! These bars fulfill my craving for the doughy deliciousness of cake and cookies without the processed junk and empty calories. Yum! I have yet to try their big sister, the UBERBAR. Sounds suberb.
You can find more information about these scrumptious products at http://www.larabar.com
Yet again, I have had to cancel my Weight Watchers membership and break-up with the potentially life changing program. There is no denying that being unhealthy is costly in and of itself, but I simply can’t justify spending $42.95 a month on a plan that I’m half-heartedly participating in. Also, my financial situation has drastically changed – which is yet another factor behind my decision. I’ve asked my boyfriend to hide the scale and I’ve decided to live freely for the next few weeks. I’m not going to subscribe to any schedules or regimens, and I’m going to act and eat as I please. After a few weeks of living foot loose and fancy free, I’m going to reevaluate and decide what to do. In the meantime I’m hoping to find a therapist that can help me finally end my emotionally abusive relationship with food. I have a few names and I’ve made steps in acquiring health insurance, so, fingers crossed!
My new lunch bag! This little neoprene beauty has made such a huge difference in my life. I can now bring my own fruits, veggies, yogurt, hummus, sammies and other delicious, healthy treats.
I weighed in this past Saturday and lost the 3 lbs. that I gained last week. Now I just need to keep the momentum going. I’ve been trying to add variety to my diet and rein in my carbs. The most challenging thing has been saying no to the tempting foods that surround me at work. I’m a nanny and the families I work for always have cookies, cakes, donuts, candy and other sugary sweets, not to mention the savory, yummy foods that fill their fridges and pantries. Hopefully, by bringing my own lunch bag, I can circumvent these danger zones.
Some days I do so well and other days…I do not. Today was one of my not-so-great days. I was strong and focused all day long; then, I had a mildly upsetting doctor’s appointment. After I quickly rushed out of the doctor’s office, my downward spiral began.
First it was the Skinny Cow Milk Chocolate Caramel Clusters (they’re diet food, right?), eight packages of them to be exact. Then there were the Doritos…then the Pop Chips and finally a small cup of semi-sweet chocolate chips (I don’t even like semi-sweet). I ate and I ate until I made myself physically sick and even then, part of me wanted to keep going. I say to myself, “You’re already in it, might as well go deeper. Indulge. You’ll make it up tomorrow.”
The only way that I can even remotely explain my actions is to say that the full feeling is a comfort, even if it makes me sick, at least I’m not empty inside. The food almost makes me feel whole. It’s a terrible AND a satisfying feeling all at once. This cycle of binging and starving, binging and starving has haunted me my whole adult life. Tomorrow I will not starve myself, I will eat a healthy, balanced meal and I will go to the gym. I will get back up again from this fall, I promise.
I went to the gym tonight. I started the day off with 3 cups of Special K (not good), followed by 2 slices of pizza for lunch (even worse) and then I skipped dinner and had a greek yogurt. I shamed myself into burning 1,000 calories on the elliptical after doing laundry all night. There’s only one way to turn it around and I’m doing it. Now it’s off to bed, 6:00 a.m. is going to come far too quickly.
Hello? Anyone out there? I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole blogging world forgot about me by now but I’m back. Again. If I said this time was different, would you believe me? There’s something so embarrassing for me about recommitting. Recommitting means a failure, an attempt to finish what you started and failed to finish before (at least to me). But, never the less, that’s exactly what I need to do and that’s precisely what I’ve done. Over my three month silent stint, I saw a physician for the first time in nearly five years. Not a walk-in clinic, not the emergency room or my school’s nursing staff but a real, live, personal, just for me, physician. I had blood work done, all of my stats and specs were noted and filed, I even went on anti-depressants and found out I was deficient in quite a few vitamins and nutrients. I feel different. I feel more present and positive. I’m no longer drowning and I think I can beat this thing once and for all. I’ve decided that I need the accountability of this blog, so, I’m going to be posting what I eat on here every single day along with my exercise for the day. I think this ought to help keep me honest. Thank you for your patience and support, the emails have been so wonderful. I’ll be back in your inbox and on your browser regularly now…at least until the next hiatus, just kidding.
Each time I attempt this hike I find myself red-face, sweaty and gasping for air. AND I almost always get passed by an older man in tiny shorts who flaunts his athleticism by running up the steep incline. This only adds to my embarrassment and obsession. I want to be that old man so badly! I want to, at the very least, breeze up the mountainside at a moderate pace.
This is (and has been for a while now) a serious goal of mine. The boyfriend has promised time and time again that he’ll hike up with me one of these weekends, but the time always manages to escape us. Soon! By the end of the summer I’ll be able to walk up the trail without sitting on my favorite halfway point rock.
I’ve had an awful few days filled with Cadbury Eggs and Popeye’s. Yesterday evening was the first time that I actually grew seriously concerned about my eating habits. All day long I filled up on cookies and candy. Then I had an argument with the boyfriend and justified getting Popeye’s and a movie.
The day before yesterday was the same exact thing. I fill up on cookies and candy and then eat nothing else for the rest of the day. Yesterday I started out eating clean with a yummy, organic breakfast burrito. Then I got to my job and was left to my own devices with freshly baked double chocolate, chocolate chip cookies. I ate four of them, then I skipped lunch. Then once I was off from work around 2 p.m. I drove to the nearest gas station and purchased four Cadbury eggs, I ate them all while driving. Then about two hours later I had a tiff with the boyfriend and figured I would get dinner and went to Popeye’s. I had six chicken nuggets and a biscuit. I ate so much yesterday that I was still physically sick this morning.
I go from doing super well with my eating and exercising to spiraling completely out of control. I am twenty pounds below my highest weight ever. I’ve lost 5.2 lbs. total so far but it feels like a drop in the bucket. The idea of losing 65 more pounds is incredibly daunting. Right now it feels like that number is unattainable and that 5, 10 or even 15 lbs. won’t make a difference. Everyone says “small goals!” “small goals!” but small goals don’t feel like good. I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything when I’ve lost 10 lbs. So I’ve decided that I’m going to reset my goal weight loss to 30 pounds. The number isn’t as overwhelming as 65 but it’s still a number large enough that I’ll feel accomplished and it’s small enough that I can imagine reaching it. I’m back in business. I had a good breakfast on the go this morning at Starbuck’s, my backpack is filled with fruit and I have my sandwich ready for lunch to go. I’m going to work out after my classes and I’m make a scrumptious healthy dinner. And tomorrow I will resist the cookies!